Enabling

The positive intent of enabling is to end the dependency by "assisting" in some way.

The end result of enabling is that family and friends "assist" in making it possible for the dependency to continue.

Enabling Is:

• Discouraging;
• Stealing the "power" to do something;
• Doing for someone what they can do on their own;
• Constantly neglecting your own needs;
• Fosusing all the energy in my life on the life of another person;
• Helping someone to be helpless;
• Sending the message, "I don't think you can make it on your own.";
• Being too concerned with being a "good" friend and doing everything for somebody else.

Enabling Behaviors:

1. Denial - The family telling itself, "He doesn't have a problem."
   • As a result:
   • Families expect the user to act right while "high".
   • Families expect the user to control the reaction to the chemical.
   • Families accept the "blame" for doing something "wrong".
2. Using with the user. ("She'll stop when I do.")
3. Justifying the drug use. ("It calms her nerves." "It helps him sleep.")
4. Families bottle up feelings. (Pretending I don't feel hurt.)
5. Avoiding problems. (Pacifying to keep peace.)
6. Minimizing. ("He only drinks beer.")
7. Protecting. ("He might lose his job. I'd better call him in sick.")
8. Avoiding by tranquilizing. (Buy the user drugs to keep them quiet.)
9. Blaming, lecturing, criticizing. (Trying to control with words.)
10. Acting superior. (Treating the user like a child.)
11. Assuming responsibilities. (The checkbook, the car payments, the rent, etc.)
12. Taking control. (Babysitting.)
13. Enduring and waiting. ("God will take care of it.")
14. Financial support. (Paying the rent, the child support, etc.)
15. Covering up consequences. ("Let's pretend it never happened.")
16. Rewarding "right" behavior. ("If you stay sober, I'll buy you a car.")
17. Involvement in treatment to control the treatment.

Enabling is always a dance, an interaction. At least two are involved, at least two people are responsible. Either one can change the dance or stop dancing.

This paper courtesy of:
A.C. Holler D. Min., AAMFT
Pyramid Counseling Services Corp.
Summerville, SC 29485